So I've been cleaning old files from my computer. Not ancient files, mind you, but files that I would say were about five years old or newer. Mostly teacher stuff that I don't need anymore, or old Word documents of poems that I've never placed on hard copy.
Of course, when rambling through old things, the past inevitably pops up. And in this case it was unsettling. I found old IM conversations and pictures from a person I dearly loved what seems a lifetime ago. A person that broke my heart and utterly disappeared off the face of the world with no explanation. As I perused the words of old IM conversations, I was brought back to a much different reality that exists presently only as a flickering dream. I could almost hear certain Relient K songs and Halo game sounds playing in the background as my heart started to crack.
Yes, I am over this person. But the hurt and longing for a love that thank God was never meant to be came flooding in like a hurricane. This strong, independent woman was reduced to a mountain of crying and shaking shoulders. Pitiful, I know. However, I'm striving to be transparent. As I raised my head to gather myself in the truth that God has me in the palm of His hand, the "shuffle" function on my iTunes came to the song "Someday" by LaRue. Wow. How ironic. And as the song ended it's final progression into the last verse, I could sense God's presence reminding me that not all is lost. This is not the final chapter. What looks like an ending only ushers a beginning. God can not give you something new if you are hanging onto the dead things of yesterday.
So, as I am reminded tonight, I am letting go of the past to allow God to work in my present-whatever, wherever, whenever, and with whomever- I close with one of my favorite places in Scripture-Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland".
Monday, November 9, 2009
So I'm perusing through pictures on Facebook of people I know who've gotten married. It's so good to see life turn out so well for people with which I've graduated. And although I'm content where I am right now, I can't help but have a huge question flash through my study-weary head tonight: Why not me? I know that sounds so awful, and so discontented. Every time I hear of somebody getting married, it's like, "Whelp, somebody else has hit the dust!" As I'm taking a study break by blogging, I have a million things running in my head at fiber optic speeds. It's amazing what pursuing a master's degree will do-as if I wasn't thinking and talking in six-syllable words already, I've been doubling them in my speech, much to the chagrin of co-workers who just respond with "Do we need our dictionary again today or what?" Haha, oh well, I'm truly becoming myself and comfortable in my own "Mary-ness". Ha-or should I say "Mary-mess"?
Okay, the coffee is talking now, so onto the subject at hand. Why not me? As I've been contemplating that same interrogative sentence all week, my mind goes to a place in Utah that saw something historical happen on May 10, 1869. It was the uniting of the transcontinental railroad. Never before had we as a country been able to cross the country in such a unified form. The boundaries of the Western frontier had been broken, and we were no longer separated by the mysterious fog of the West. We now had a connection. And the wait was over. As I look at the faces of the weary, tired, but excited workers who made this happen, I have to remember not to forget the tremendous work involved in the preparation for this moment. One moment with a million tears and beads of sweat standing behind it. A million sighs and cries that this day would never come because it seemed impossible. And yet, in one moment, all that everyone in the photograph seem to express was their delight that the lines of communication and transportation were now connected and joined.
Then I have to think. One day, all of the waiting, praying, and molding that God is doing in my life and the life of my future husband will come to fruition one day in a beautiful ceremony, during which we will choose to remain united and inseparable, just as the railroad. And just as the railroad had to have the right foundation, ties, and spikes laid down so trains could travel, God is laying down and molding me in exactly what my future husband is going to need me to be. Imagine if the railroad workers decided to skip some steps of the construction of the railroad because they were too tired! Or if they decided not to lay just a few ties down because they were getting bored of all this preparation! Imagine the derailment of the train and the casualties that would ensue as the train would make its final trip to the demise of many.
No matter the cost, the preparation had to be thorough and right. And so does preparing one day to get married. Now, am I saying I want to get married and have those three boys and a girl right away? Um, I believe I'd better finish this semester. Ha-no. But, I've got to have the faith that as God guided the construction of the railroad to meet exactly in line with each other and meet at the precise place, He's also going to guide my heart to the man I will serve God with one day. Wow, I just can't wait somtimes. But I've got to prepare. And trust Him for the timing.