Friday, March 21, 2008

Journeys and Travels

So as I write this new entry, I am reeling with excitement for tomorrow. I'm going out of town to see a dear friend. And I'm getting out of town. That's the beauty of holidays. They give you time to stop and actually notice the color of the sky above you. I am so blessed to have friends that I can visit and share my life with. And if I didn't already mention it......I'm getting out of town. Yes, I am a bit elated, but I haven't gone away for so long my luggage is getting tired of merely taking up a 2 x 2 space in my closet. I'm actually looking forward to the long drive, too. It can be very rewarding, given favorable circumstances that is. And as I pack tonight, I'm reminded of all the changes that have happened to my friends and I. All the struggles, the victories, the disappointments, the crazy nights staying up studying, even the practice jokes I played on my former college roomie. And you know what? She has never gotten me back! Oh well, she might when I visit her this weekend! It's amazing to step back and see how God has led me over so many roads. Sometimes we get so focused on grasping His blessings, that we don't take time to count them. It's been an amazing journey, and I look forward to making more memories with my friends. But even though we may become a little more mature, a little more knowledgeable of the world around us, when we sit around just chillin, a little bit of our former selves comes back to revisit, and I find myself being the gregarious college junior who's a little nervous about the future. Then I find that nothing really has changed. And I've gotta laugh at myself. What have I learned since then? Oh the camaraderie of memories that culminate in the presence of true friends. Ah, can't wait until tomorrow!


Bring down the idols that I’ve built
The little shrines that litter my past
Break the chains that surround my dreams
Show me the other half

Tear down my idols and my pride
Interrupt my world
Throw down anything I have
That I hold more dear than I should

Shine through the cracks
Blast through my fa├žade
Take off the mask of my charade
Until You are my only God

Emblazon me with compassion
Tear my eyes away from myself
Burden me with what affects You
Allow me to rage battle against hell

Use me up like a candle
Burning at both ends
Make my life count for You
Until I have nothing left to give

Flush out the hidden motives
That bring shame to what I do
And tear the lagging stagnance
Out of my prayers I lift to You

Heighten my sense of Your presence
My touch of who You are
Until all the world fades away
Until I truly know Your heart

Shift my focus into gear
Placing my eyes on You
No longer am I drifting
For I’m planted in Your truth

Change my world and its entirety
Rearrange my destiny
Make things never seem the same
Until I’m what you want me to be

Launch me into an unknown
Stretch my faith as never before
Challenge the faith I claim to have
And open all the right doors

I lay down my dreams
I lay down my plans
Knowing that You’ll guide me
When I just don’t understand

My future do I give
My present and my past
I give to You my everything
As long as I may last
Because I’m holding back
I’m holding nothing back
From You.

2008 by Mary E. Mathias

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Disappointment + Redirection + Total Surrender = Serious Sacrifice

So I've been pretty quiet lately, but that doesn't mean things have been quiet in my life. As the winter passes, the daffodils start to blossom, and the trees start to produce little green buds, a season is changing in my life. The last month has been oh so difficult, yet amazingly necessary and wonderful. It's been up and down. A total Apollo's Chariot experience. And although I knew the drops would be coming, it caught me off guard. I've been dying little deaths. Little reminders that this was not the way my heart was supposed to feel. A direction my love was not supposed to go, especially not for three years. A devotion that I was never supposed to possess. A dream that has died, but never has been given a proper funeral. Something that I thought I was quite over, but not quite yet.

It's really funny when we kid ourselves and say that our hearts are in total surrender to God. But is everything surrendered? Sometimes its quite upsetting to think that what I want, or at least what I think I want, is not what God has been planning for me all this time. We may pray that His will be done, we may pray that He bless it, but was this HIS idea in the first place?

Accepting that something is really not going to happen the way you hoped, and to have to stand by and experience it, requires a lot of faith. Faith that God really does have our best interests at heart sees disappointments as new beginnings, not endings. A movie I recently saw centered around the main character who was afraid to take an important position in a magical toy shop. She was afraid of taking it because it was the end of all the things she had known. However, someone told her that she could not continue her story if she didn't turn the page. If you don't turn the page, you'll never find out how the book ends.

Tonight I'm tempted to put the book down. I'm tempted to simply say that I'll never love again. I'm tempted to give up. To never want to go on the next chapter. But I know that if I want to finish the book, I must pick myself up again and read on. Who knows, maybe the book will turn out better than I had ever hoped, dreamed, or expected. I think I'll turn the page and keep reading.